The letter I won't write you....

Gritar para o computador, para o papel, aquilo que te quero dizer mas não digo.
Para quê?
Para que não vejas o que me fizeste.
Uma vez mais sozinha, abandonada, enganada.
Enganada? por quem?
Talvez por mim.Eu própria, que acreditei, como sempre acredito, que tudo é possivel.
Eu que caio sempre no erro de acreditar em quem diz as palavras que destroiem mundos e começam guerras.
o problema é que sou só eu que acredito.
E já entendi que não sei, talvez não valha a pena.
Preciso de sair, conhecer pessoas novas, preciso de ar fresco na minha vida.
Mas nem tenho vontade de sair de casa.
Nem de me mexer.
Nem de nada.
Quero dormir. Acordar e ter sido tudo um sonho mau, descobrir que afinal estás ali ao meu lado.
Não vai acontecer.
Então quero dormir mais. Dormir para sempre.
Simplesmente encostar.me para não voltar a acordar, um lento e fácil desaparecer de tudo o que me dói.
Doi-me o coração, apunhalado outra vez pelas minhas próprias ilusões de que um dia alguém se importaria o suficiente.
Dói-me os olhos, de tanto chorar por ti. Eu que prometi não voltar a chorar por ninguém.
Estou cansada,preciso de dormir para não sofrer mas mesmo assim estou em pânico, se apago o suficiente para descansar então atacam-me os pesadelos, onde não posso fugir nem esconder-me, onde peço a tua ajuda e acabas sempre por te ir embora. E eu que me desenrrasque.
Iludi.me. pensei ser alguém por quem valeria a pena fazer algum esforço. Mostraste-me que não sou.
Pensei, e acreditei, que fossemos capaz de ultrapassar tudo. Que iamos sobreviver o suficiente para passarmos a viver. Que ía haver pequenos gatinhos pretos a correr numa quinta com árvores de todos os frutos. Mas eu tinha de ser estupidamente romântica não é?
Pedi-te atenção, pediste-me tempo.
E dei-to. dou-te o tempo que achares que precisas.
Sugiro que fiquemos algum tempo sem falar. concordas. Porquê?
Quem me dera que não fosses capaz de estar sem me falar. mas és. Talvez eu tivesse razão, talvez não me ames.
Os meus sonhos romanticos fazem-me ter aquele pedacinho de esperança no impossivel. Espero pelo dia em que me apareças à frente de joelhos, com flores nas mãos, e simplesmente me peças desculpa e me peças de volta. Talvez eu volte. Hell, se fosse já amanha talvez eu não pensasse duas vezes.
Mas não vai acntecer. Para isso, terias de te importar. Tu não te importas.
Tanto que não te importas que me deixaste sozinha.
Ah pois, supostamente só vai ser oficial quando estivermos frente a frente.
Vou dar o meu melhor para ser fria. Para mostrar que não quero saber, e assim talvez não te sintas culpado por me fazer sofres. Vou dizer-te "olha-me nos olhos e faz-me acreditar que não me amas mais" quando na realidade espero secretamente que me abraçes, que digas que estavas a brincar, que me segures mesmo que eu te empurre, que me segures com força para que eu saiba que, mesmo se partir, tu estás ali para me segurar....Espero secretamente que me digas que foi um erro magoar-me assim e que tudo o que queres é compensar pelo que fizeste, que me amas e nunca me vais deixar....
Mas as minhas esperanças secretas de nada valem, pois o mais certo é não acontecerem nunca. Não te esqueças que sou céptica e realista/pessimista. Braga muda toda agente. Podes ter sido verdadeiro antes quando dizias isso, mas agora parece que foi tudo mudando. È comer e beber e fumar e foder. E eu sou apenas um empecilho nesse teu caminho de perfeita auto-destruição. Desculpa se nunca vou perceber essas teorias. Para mim, tudo o que acontece sob o efeito de alguma coisa é simplesmente....vazio. Tudo aquilo que as pessoas fazem por beber ou estarem alteradas, toda a amizade, tudo...é vazio. Não significa nada,nunca significará. É apenas pura auto-destruição. e não custa a quem o faz,mas sim a quem se importa.
Porque o fazes? Isso é desistir. só os fracos desistem. Tu não és assim, tu já venceste coisas piores. Por favor deixa-me perceber o que se passa, deixa-me ajudar. Será a culpa minha? Penso que nunca fui o suficiente....
São 3 da manha...vou talvez dormir e sonhar que ali estás. Talvez tudo corra bem e amanhã não acorde.

Don't make me go to sleep....

In all my dreams I  drown...
ear me, feel me. Are you even there?
I don't know what to do.
Unstable.
Everything is unstable.
The ground, the walls, you.
Are you there? Or slippin away too?

4-julho-2012- Moonlight Thoughts

E se?
E se pudéssemos todos brincar juntos, como antes?
Escolhas. Tuas ou de outros.
In a crossroads, which path do you choose?
Right or left?
Too late, a new road appeared.
Too late.
Left or right? Back or Forward?
Too late, there's no brakes. Once the wheel is turned, you can't go back.
But you sure can look to what's behind. Remeber those times. Miss them.
One day, maybe the road will take you there again.
But not today.
Cais de joelhos ao som de uma musica familiar.
But no one knows the meaning of the music box.
Star - shaped music box, with the song of your dreams.
Aquela melodia que nunca deixou de te fazer suspirar.
Desde a primeira vez que viste....


Ele de cabelo preto, olhos azuis. Vestido de negro.
 Um principe dominado agora pelo mal, o feitiço de outro alguém.
Ela loira, olhos grandes, pequena, indefesa, vestida de branco.
A rainha má pede ao guerreiro que mate a princesa, e ele avança.
Ele ataca e a princesa não se defende, não luta, apenas se esquiva.
E do seu bolso cai a caixinha de musica que ele um dia lhe deu.
Ele levanta a espada, para um último golpe. O fim de tudo.
Ela não se mexe, e continua de joelhos.
She looks at him in disbelief , and opens the box.
The star-shaped music box.
"Do you remeber not?"
Sou eu. Aquela que juraste amar e proteger, aquela que morreu por nós.
Aquela que se entregou a ti, a quem prometeste o mundo.
Por quem caíste numa batalha de fogo e trovões.
"Remember me. I'm the one you used to kiss"
He remembers and falls in pain.
The evil queen doesn't stop.
Everyone dies.


Derramas lágrimas, mas fechas os olhos e esqueces.
Acordas e vês que passaram anos. Já não tens idade para isto.
Já não existe o sonho de um principe caído em trevas que volte para a luz por ti.
Ela era especial, tu não.
Não és a princesa importante de um grande reino, és apenas tu.
Once you''ve chosen a path, there's no going back.
És agora acompanhada, talvez pelo teu principe, talvez não.
Acreditas que sim. Que seja o tal, o escolhido.
Acreditas que a vontade de ser segurada seja apenas nostalgia da infância.
Agora não te protejem como se fosses pequenina. Ensinam-te a lutar para que te safes sozinha.
A diferença entre o que se quer e o que se precisa, ou o que se precisa e o que se quer?


Lês mais uma vez o que foi escrito até agora.
And then again. Não faz sentido, nunca fez.
Por vezes perco-me tanto nos meus próprios pensamentos
que me torno incapaz de os decifrar. Então escrevo.
Escrevo para pensar e sentir, e saber o que penso e sinto.
Mas agora, nem assim me decifro.
Poderás tu, alguém, suceder onde eu falhei?
Espero que sim. The clock's runing out.
"Are you there?" I ask. But to whom?
And more importantly....Am I here?

cxuzhmrmahf,ilrhzxierbhgxbvjj

Can't breathe....Why?
Tears. Of happiness. What is this? Is it real?
You made me feel acepted. Hell, you made me feel.
I was so numb to life, so tainted, so scarred by all the wounds of past...
I was dead, asleep.
And now here you are, with your sweet smile, your understanding voice.
My heart beats, it feels, it....isnt bleeding anymore.
God, is this real? Somehow...I'm not alone.
And after all the time of mistrust and lies, I find one to whom I don't need to hold anything back.
Armor down, defences down, lies revealed in truth, darkness turned into light.
Who are you? How did you do it?
I can suddenly look at the sky and see it bright again, I can believe....anything is beautiful.
I can believe you. I'm in love with you.

A new hope

"I won't let you fall" he said, and that's how it all began.

Fuckin Suicidals...

Damn damn damn, hate you all!!
Selfish, cowards, weaklings. Taking the easy way out, hurting everyone else.
Has it ever ocurred to you that you're hurting others? Selfish jerks.

"because i'm so worthless and i'm not good for anything and all i do is hurt others....." seriously???
JOIN THE CLUB!
How many times have I thought of doing it myself? close my eyes and go away, never to wake up again? I  did think about it, I still do sometimes.
but bitch please, I'm not that selfish, to the point of leaving alone those who need me, disapoint those who like me, hurt those who care, not weak to the point of giving up this fight, not dumb to the point of pleasuring my enemies so much. So yeah, think about it.
damn it, so damn tired of being everyone's mother, taking care of everyone and still manage to fight for myself in the meantime. Why can't you people grow some balls and take care of yourselves once in a while? My shoulders hurt from the weight of this responsability, are you seriously complaining that I wont carry everyone forever? god...someone...
shoot me.

nhenhe random thoughts again fml

I cant breathe.
I cant.
I cant move.
I cant.
I cant think.
I cant move.
All I see is red. It's all around me, everywhere. It's too dark.
I cant move.
I dont know where to go. Endless search for perfection always ends in destruction.
Blood, is everywhere. in my hands. oh my hands...I'm drowning in it. There's so much of it...too much....I'm drowning in lies and blood and i cant get out of it. I cant breathe nor swim nor...anything. Red pain of everyone i have ever hurt...
"the awkward moment u realize u have a heart and it beats" what kind of sorcery is this? what did you do? Why? feelings are nothing but pain.
I dont want to be the one to break you. i won't. i cant.
lets just not end up dead, yes? And I mean both of us.

Untitled

The wounds are so deep I need to keep the scars...

To prove there was a time....

When I loved something more than life

thursday and friday night thoughts

Sometimes you just cannot sleep. Your mind wants to go numb, but you just...won't allow it.
You turn around and around in the bed, and there's no way to get comfortable.
Maybe it's because the one beside you is not the one that makes your heart bleed.
Why do hearts bleed? Does mine wants to match my wrists?
You stand perfectly still in a room of pitch black, laying down and listening to someone else breathe.
In a room full of black, with your eyes wide-open. "what's wrong?"
What can possibly be wrong for me not to be able to sleep? Everything.
The need of making people happy turns against its owner. 
"I want you to be happy" so I end up sacrificing myself.
Dreams of endless gardens of white flowers turn into nightmares, forests of petrified dead trees.
"decorative material" is that all I am? Since I am the one that always loves to attract attention but ends up hating "getting down to business".


Forests of petrified dead trees.


Maybe it's because a heart that isn't a whole cannot love how it should. 
"I love you with all the little pieces of me" it will not heal. why not just say simply "I love you"? because it isnt true. I love you with everything that's left of me. is it enough?


And when I say "I really really like you..." guess what....I do not love you. I tried, but I can't.




In a crossroads, do you choose the one you love, or the one that loves you?


The one that loves you? Why does he love you? Because you stayed beside him has his best friend, and he wants to bed you. yeah yeah, two kills in the same shot. 
You want him happy, you know you are not the one able to do it. Still, you try. And your heart bleeds.


the one you love? he claims to love you as well, but when you need, he's never there. He doenst call, he doesnt answer, he doesn't care. Yet you love him, because a opened heart can hardly get locked again. and your heart bleeds.


But nothing of this matters. For it is not a friend to bed you need, nor someone to say pretty things.
You need a partner. Someone with a "good morning", "good night" everyday. 
Someone to hold your hand when you're afraid, someone to hug you when you're sad.
 One to share jokes and sweet smiles. 
The one that will completely forbid you to lock yourself inside your own cage, the one that will appear unexpected at your door and drag you out  to watch the stars.
 Of that, there's none.
 One that doesnt try to undress you. 
One that looks into your eyes and not to the cleavage. 
Of that, there's none.
One that doesnt say "you should be more like this", one that says "I love when u do that/wear that/say that"
You need the one person that, even when you're not talking, you feel better just for having nearby.
the one person whose kisses you actually like, whose hugs are actually sweet, whose touch actually feels good. 
Of that, there's none. Like that, there's no one.






Ping Ping Ping, what's that? blooddrops falling in the floor, like water in a dark cave. Like tears, if I still knew how weeping feels like.
Like promises left to rot, like memories buried where no one can see.


Eyeliner, blush, mascara, foundation, eyeshadow, lipstick. a hairdryer and some bobby pins. Nice clothes.
Final touch: Your best fake smile.
And no one will see the blackness spreading through your heart. 
The time to see people is long gone. now all one can see is the shell, for everyone gets broken sooner or later, and broken people all hide inside their shells. So everyone's alone and everyone's searching for someone while fearing to be found. Fearing to be broken again.




You turn around and around in bed, eyes wide open in a pitch black bedroom, listening to the breath of one you wish were another, hugging yourself to keep away the cold that lives inside you.
Where are you, lost girl? Where is your mind? where is your heart?
Lost.

Robotized

What is the single word that could fix everything? I don't know. Does anyone?

"My eyes are hollow like my soul" random sentence from a well-known song.
"Please proceed into android Hell!" wtf?
listening to robotized music now. nothing makes me feel anymore. why? idk.
I don't know why I'm writing. Or do I? I write because I feel like it.

"are you sad?" should I? I don't really feel anything...I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not...alive?
I'm robotized I guess. It would be so perfect...in other situation? wouldnt it?

Songs in my mind right now- Still Alive (portal)
                                          - The device has been modified (portal)
                                          -creepy doll (jonhatan coulton)
                                          -we ran out of CD space (psychostick)
                                          -I wish   (skazi)
                                          -vodka (korpiklani)
   

I feel like cake. but there's no cake. There should be cake. Chocolate cake. Chocolate is good. But as we all know, the cake is nothing more than a big fat lie.
I don't even make sense. Goodbye.

Evanescence - Solitude

How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me

Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night

Your secret admirer
Who could it be

Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me

And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Stuck

How come everytime I try to write a story it ends up being about you?
Why is it that it always has to be about us....how we ended and how we began and how I got stuck?
And everytime I write...somehow I always stop and never continue...
Lots and lots of unfinished stories....because four pages after starting I start to think...
Like a little girl...
"If you wish hard enough it might come true"
"If I close my eyes and only open them when it happens..."
And then I write more....not about the story, but about what happened for me to stop writing it...
And then come the tears, first one by one, then four by four....
Sometimes I wonder if you can still sense the way I'm feeling
Sometimes I wonder if I'm like this because you might be feeling bad at the moment
Every now and then, I wonder if I ever cross your mind
And right now, I only wish I could just go and talk to you
But worse than hitting me for it, I think you just wouldn't acknowledge my existence and just keep on ignoring me. And that isn't very nice.
I wish I could talk to you so wecould finish our unfinished business.
Or was that your plan since the beggining? Torture me by not allowing us to have the final conversation...
Well here it goes! I just wanted to say.....so many stuff...
I even did it  once...wrote a whole four pages letter....which then I threw away....
Would you have wanted to read it? I guess not....
But you know what? I wish I could tell you that you're forgiven, I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, and I wish I was your best friend, just to tell you that everything will be okay, and that you can always count on me...
I also wish I could punch you in the face, but oh well....one cannot have everything...:)

don't Wake me....

I went to bed I was thinking about you...
It ain't the same since I'm living without you...

There I was, naked
there you were, naked
the bedroom was lovely, white lotus flowers floated on glass bowels of water
Red, pink, orange thin, transparent veils surrounded the bed, candles and incense lightened up the room.
It was just too perfect....you and I and nothing, no one else.
vanilla, strawberry and passion fruit were the scents surrounding us, our fingers interwined like our bodies and souls
"Is this real?" I asked
"It can be...." you answered
"can be?
"If you sleep forever, your dream will become your reality...."

Tears came up, and I awoke with them....

Random

I really do miss the time when the things that I wrote were beautiful to read...
I miss being able to translate all my feelings into a simple bunch of words or random drawings....
now i just tire myself out to say:
1% feelings
99 useless words
now I just tire myself out to draw:
100% beautiful persons
0 emotional flow...
The boredom of routine is gettin to me...and a way out is needed...
but how?

Avenged Sevenfold - I won't see you tonight

Avenged Sevenfold - I Won't See You Tonight Part 1

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and loved

Building up, inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles called my name, I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight.
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

"When you can't stop thinking about someone...maybe they were supposed to be there...."

Why is it that when you feel like about to fall apart, the saddest song starts playing?
When you feel like the nightmare's over....you have a sweet dream that makes you worry more?
When everyone acts nice...you know there's something wrong?...

Regrets, anyone?

Again and again I find myself dwelling in past shadows...
I search in this year's memories for something positive. My love, only you.
For everything else is a big FAIL.
Away from family.
Away from friends.
Away from love.
Away from...civilization? Absolutely
Each day that goes by since I'm stuck in this end of the world seems like an all-new mind-numbing anesthesia.
Oh but how can I even think of saying that I was never the perfect little girl wearing pink?
It's not fair how people have to choose the path they will have their entire life at....14 years old....
-and then they say "oh at least if I had known...." but they don't know. No one cares about giving them a sample of what the future will be. no one ever warns them than this is not a game and it cannot be reseted and played again.
Uh nice, such deep thoughts...like...
Nice people that say nce stuff. Like "Do not worry, I will be there for you whenever u need"
So why is it, that when I cry, I'm always alone? No one's there to give me a blanket to run away from the cold...and no one's there to hold my hand when I seek for the blade, and no one's ever there to hold my forehead when my heart tries to escape trough my mouth, away from the suffering.
When the time comes, there are no friends, no sisters, no lovers around. And one struggles alone just to keep the pieces of oneself in place...or what a mess it would be...

Saudade

Odeio que não estejas aqui agora para poder afogar-me em ti e esquecer-me de mim....

 

há demasiadas pessoas de kem sentir falta...

 

há demasiada dor nas saudades...

 

friends...allies...sisters....lovers.....

 

(to all the ones that matter or mattered...). 

Pain Addiction

"sympaths cry red"
once upon a time there was a little girl who fell for a wolf in the lamb's skin.
then she fell for the evil soldier in the elf's skin.
then she found a white winged angel that was righteous, and sweet, and caring, and everything good.
but she was so used to the suffering that she couldnt live without it.
and now she thinks of hurting him just so that it will hurt her more. By arguing on purpose. By acting coldly.
just so that it will hurt her more.
funny isnt it?

random

that's when she said:

I don't hate you boy, I just wanna save you while there's something left to save

that's when he said:

I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions you still have...