thursday and friday night thoughts

Sometimes you just cannot sleep. Your mind wants to go numb, but you just...won't allow it.
You turn around and around in the bed, and there's no way to get comfortable.
Maybe it's because the one beside you is not the one that makes your heart bleed.
Why do hearts bleed? Does mine wants to match my wrists?
You stand perfectly still in a room of pitch black, laying down and listening to someone else breathe.
In a room full of black, with your eyes wide-open. "what's wrong?"
What can possibly be wrong for me not to be able to sleep? Everything.
The need of making people happy turns against its owner. 
"I want you to be happy" so I end up sacrificing myself.
Dreams of endless gardens of white flowers turn into nightmares, forests of petrified dead trees.
"decorative material" is that all I am? Since I am the one that always loves to attract attention but ends up hating "getting down to business".


Forests of petrified dead trees.


Maybe it's because a heart that isn't a whole cannot love how it should. 
"I love you with all the little pieces of me" it will not heal. why not just say simply "I love you"? because it isnt true. I love you with everything that's left of me. is it enough?


And when I say "I really really like you..." guess what....I do not love you. I tried, but I can't.




In a crossroads, do you choose the one you love, or the one that loves you?


The one that loves you? Why does he love you? Because you stayed beside him has his best friend, and he wants to bed you. yeah yeah, two kills in the same shot. 
You want him happy, you know you are not the one able to do it. Still, you try. And your heart bleeds.


the one you love? he claims to love you as well, but when you need, he's never there. He doenst call, he doesnt answer, he doesn't care. Yet you love him, because a opened heart can hardly get locked again. and your heart bleeds.


But nothing of this matters. For it is not a friend to bed you need, nor someone to say pretty things.
You need a partner. Someone with a "good morning", "good night" everyday. 
Someone to hold your hand when you're afraid, someone to hug you when you're sad.
 One to share jokes and sweet smiles. 
The one that will completely forbid you to lock yourself inside your own cage, the one that will appear unexpected at your door and drag you out  to watch the stars.
 Of that, there's none.
 One that doesnt try to undress you. 
One that looks into your eyes and not to the cleavage. 
Of that, there's none.
One that doesnt say "you should be more like this", one that says "I love when u do that/wear that/say that"
You need the one person that, even when you're not talking, you feel better just for having nearby.
the one person whose kisses you actually like, whose hugs are actually sweet, whose touch actually feels good. 
Of that, there's none. Like that, there's no one.






Ping Ping Ping, what's that? blooddrops falling in the floor, like water in a dark cave. Like tears, if I still knew how weeping feels like.
Like promises left to rot, like memories buried where no one can see.


Eyeliner, blush, mascara, foundation, eyeshadow, lipstick. a hairdryer and some bobby pins. Nice clothes.
Final touch: Your best fake smile.
And no one will see the blackness spreading through your heart. 
The time to see people is long gone. now all one can see is the shell, for everyone gets broken sooner or later, and broken people all hide inside their shells. So everyone's alone and everyone's searching for someone while fearing to be found. Fearing to be broken again.




You turn around and around in bed, eyes wide open in a pitch black bedroom, listening to the breath of one you wish were another, hugging yourself to keep away the cold that lives inside you.
Where are you, lost girl? Where is your mind? where is your heart?
Lost.