thursday and friday night thoughts

Sometimes you just cannot sleep. Your mind wants to go numb, but you just...won't allow it.
You turn around and around in the bed, and there's no way to get comfortable.
Maybe it's because the one beside you is not the one that makes your heart bleed.
Why do hearts bleed? Does mine wants to match my wrists?
You stand perfectly still in a room of pitch black, laying down and listening to someone else breathe.
In a room full of black, with your eyes wide-open. "what's wrong?"
What can possibly be wrong for me not to be able to sleep? Everything.
The need of making people happy turns against its owner. 
"I want you to be happy" so I end up sacrificing myself.
Dreams of endless gardens of white flowers turn into nightmares, forests of petrified dead trees.
"decorative material" is that all I am? Since I am the one that always loves to attract attention but ends up hating "getting down to business".


Forests of petrified dead trees.


Maybe it's because a heart that isn't a whole cannot love how it should. 
"I love you with all the little pieces of me" it will not heal. why not just say simply "I love you"? because it isnt true. I love you with everything that's left of me. is it enough?


And when I say "I really really like you..." guess what....I do not love you. I tried, but I can't.




In a crossroads, do you choose the one you love, or the one that loves you?


The one that loves you? Why does he love you? Because you stayed beside him has his best friend, and he wants to bed you. yeah yeah, two kills in the same shot. 
You want him happy, you know you are not the one able to do it. Still, you try. And your heart bleeds.


the one you love? he claims to love you as well, but when you need, he's never there. He doenst call, he doesnt answer, he doesn't care. Yet you love him, because a opened heart can hardly get locked again. and your heart bleeds.


But nothing of this matters. For it is not a friend to bed you need, nor someone to say pretty things.
You need a partner. Someone with a "good morning", "good night" everyday. 
Someone to hold your hand when you're afraid, someone to hug you when you're sad.
 One to share jokes and sweet smiles. 
The one that will completely forbid you to lock yourself inside your own cage, the one that will appear unexpected at your door and drag you out  to watch the stars.
 Of that, there's none.
 One that doesnt try to undress you. 
One that looks into your eyes and not to the cleavage. 
Of that, there's none.
One that doesnt say "you should be more like this", one that says "I love when u do that/wear that/say that"
You need the one person that, even when you're not talking, you feel better just for having nearby.
the one person whose kisses you actually like, whose hugs are actually sweet, whose touch actually feels good. 
Of that, there's none. Like that, there's no one.






Ping Ping Ping, what's that? blooddrops falling in the floor, like water in a dark cave. Like tears, if I still knew how weeping feels like.
Like promises left to rot, like memories buried where no one can see.


Eyeliner, blush, mascara, foundation, eyeshadow, lipstick. a hairdryer and some bobby pins. Nice clothes.
Final touch: Your best fake smile.
And no one will see the blackness spreading through your heart. 
The time to see people is long gone. now all one can see is the shell, for everyone gets broken sooner or later, and broken people all hide inside their shells. So everyone's alone and everyone's searching for someone while fearing to be found. Fearing to be broken again.




You turn around and around in bed, eyes wide open in a pitch black bedroom, listening to the breath of one you wish were another, hugging yourself to keep away the cold that lives inside you.
Where are you, lost girl? Where is your mind? where is your heart?
Lost.

Robotized

What is the single word that could fix everything? I don't know. Does anyone?

"My eyes are hollow like my soul" random sentence from a well-known song.
"Please proceed into android Hell!" wtf?
listening to robotized music now. nothing makes me feel anymore. why? idk.
I don't know why I'm writing. Or do I? I write because I feel like it.

"are you sad?" should I? I don't really feel anything...I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not...alive?
I'm robotized I guess. It would be so perfect...in other situation? wouldnt it?

Songs in my mind right now- Still Alive (portal)
                                          - The device has been modified (portal)
                                          -creepy doll (jonhatan coulton)
                                          -we ran out of CD space (psychostick)
                                          -I wish   (skazi)
                                          -vodka (korpiklani)
   

I feel like cake. but there's no cake. There should be cake. Chocolate cake. Chocolate is good. But as we all know, the cake is nothing more than a big fat lie.
I don't even make sense. Goodbye.

Evanescence - Solitude

How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me

Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night

Your secret admirer
Who could it be

Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me

And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Stuck

How come everytime I try to write a story it ends up being about you?
Why is it that it always has to be about us....how we ended and how we began and how I got stuck?
And everytime I write...somehow I always stop and never continue...
Lots and lots of unfinished stories....because four pages after starting I start to think...
Like a little girl...
"If you wish hard enough it might come true"
"If I close my eyes and only open them when it happens..."
And then I write more....not about the story, but about what happened for me to stop writing it...
And then come the tears, first one by one, then four by four....
Sometimes I wonder if you can still sense the way I'm feeling
Sometimes I wonder if I'm like this because you might be feeling bad at the moment
Every now and then, I wonder if I ever cross your mind
And right now, I only wish I could just go and talk to you
But worse than hitting me for it, I think you just wouldn't acknowledge my existence and just keep on ignoring me. And that isn't very nice.
I wish I could talk to you so wecould finish our unfinished business.
Or was that your plan since the beggining? Torture me by not allowing us to have the final conversation...
Well here it goes! I just wanted to say.....so many stuff...
I even did it  once...wrote a whole four pages letter....which then I threw away....
Would you have wanted to read it? I guess not....
But you know what? I wish I could tell you that you're forgiven, I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, and I wish I was your best friend, just to tell you that everything will be okay, and that you can always count on me...
I also wish I could punch you in the face, but oh well....one cannot have everything...:)

don't Wake me....

I went to bed I was thinking about you...
It ain't the same since I'm living without you...

There I was, naked
there you were, naked
the bedroom was lovely, white lotus flowers floated on glass bowels of water
Red, pink, orange thin, transparent veils surrounded the bed, candles and incense lightened up the room.
It was just too perfect....you and I and nothing, no one else.
vanilla, strawberry and passion fruit were the scents surrounding us, our fingers interwined like our bodies and souls
"Is this real?" I asked
"It can be...." you answered
"can be?
"If you sleep forever, your dream will become your reality...."

Tears came up, and I awoke with them....

Random

I really do miss the time when the things that I wrote were beautiful to read...
I miss being able to translate all my feelings into a simple bunch of words or random drawings....
now i just tire myself out to say:
1% feelings
99 useless words
now I just tire myself out to draw:
100% beautiful persons
0 emotional flow...
The boredom of routine is gettin to me...and a way out is needed...
but how?

Avenged Sevenfold - I won't see you tonight

Avenged Sevenfold - I Won't See You Tonight Part 1

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and loved

Building up, inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles called my name, I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me,
I cared for and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight.
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

"When you can't stop thinking about someone...maybe they were supposed to be there...."

Why is it that when you feel like about to fall apart, the saddest song starts playing?
When you feel like the nightmare's over....you have a sweet dream that makes you worry more?
When everyone acts nice...you know there's something wrong?...

Regrets, anyone?

Again and again I find myself dwelling in past shadows...
I search in this year's memories for something positive. My love, only you.
For everything else is a big FAIL.
Away from family.
Away from friends.
Away from love.
Away from...civilization? Absolutely
Each day that goes by since I'm stuck in this end of the world seems like an all-new mind-numbing anesthesia.
Oh but how can I even think of saying that I was never the perfect little girl wearing pink?
It's not fair how people have to choose the path they will have their entire life at....14 years old....
-and then they say "oh at least if I had known...." but they don't know. No one cares about giving them a sample of what the future will be. no one ever warns them than this is not a game and it cannot be reseted and played again.
Uh nice, such deep thoughts...like...
Nice people that say nce stuff. Like "Do not worry, I will be there for you whenever u need"
So why is it, that when I cry, I'm always alone? No one's there to give me a blanket to run away from the cold...and no one's there to hold my hand when I seek for the blade, and no one's ever there to hold my forehead when my heart tries to escape trough my mouth, away from the suffering.
When the time comes, there are no friends, no sisters, no lovers around. And one struggles alone just to keep the pieces of oneself in place...or what a mess it would be...

Saudade

Odeio que não estejas aqui agora para poder afogar-me em ti e esquecer-me de mim....

 

há demasiadas pessoas de kem sentir falta...

 

há demasiada dor nas saudades...

 

friends...allies...sisters....lovers.....

 

(to all the ones that matter or mattered...). 

Pain Addiction

"sympaths cry red"
once upon a time there was a little girl who fell for a wolf in the lamb's skin.
then she fell for the evil soldier in the elf's skin.
then she found a white winged angel that was righteous, and sweet, and caring, and everything good.
but she was so used to the suffering that she couldnt live without it.
and now she thinks of hurting him just so that it will hurt her more. By arguing on purpose. By acting coldly.
just so that it will hurt her more.
funny isnt it?

random

that's when she said:

I don't hate you boy, I just wanna save you while there's something left to save

that's when he said:

I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions you still have...

Sem palavras.....

"My snow princess, my diva, some things are too strong to be controlled, I'm sorry I am this way, I just feel like I have to protect you, your soul, heart, and body for the rest of my life, I need to, its a need, your not just "a girl", your the one, the one who I dedicate my life to, the one who I will be always there for anything, no matter what happens, I trust you, I respect you, I'm yours."

by: JotaC <3